Things I'll Never Say
by that is secret
Summary: Frodo talking to Sam in his mind, wishing he could say his thoughts aloud. Frodo/Sam shounen ai.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: written at four in the morning, and I liked it, even though it's something I never thought I'd write.  
  
  
  
There's a lot of things we'll never say, I think. I know there's a lot of things I'll never say. I wish I could. I want to. But. . . I don't think I can.  
  
I wish I could say how I wish you would stop calling me "Master Frodo." Proper terms of address can be damned. I don't want to be your master. I want to be your friend, your fellow, your lover. How could I be any of those, when you call me "master?" I wish for once, you'd just say "Frodo." You don't know what it'd mean to me. Oh, how you don't know.  
  
I wish I could say how happy I was that it was so cold on Caradhras. It was my excuse to stay as close to you as possible. I said I was just huddling to keep warm, but that's so far from the truth it's almost laughable. I just wanted to be near you. I was vaguely aware of everyone else on that snowy trail, but all I knew was you. You were by my side. Our arms brushed against each other, and it did make me warm. It was the best feeling in the world.  
  
I wish I could say that I love you. Because I do. You've been my best friend for such a time, though you don't know it; you think that it's Merry or Pippin. They've been great friends. But you; you've been the best of them all. I worry that if I tell you how I feel, it will ruin that. I'd rather spend the rest of my life pining for you than to lose our friendship. Besides, I know how you feel about Rosie, and how she feels about you. You go so well together; what am I to try and change that?  
  
You said you'd go to the ends of the earth and back again for me. But would you go into my heart? There's a place for you there. I'd give you the whole thing, if you asked. I've already given it to you anyways, even though you've never asked. All I've ever wanted is you. But how am I supposed to tell you? Ringbearer I may be, but master of word and emotion I am not. I've written some poetry in my life, but it could never convey what I feel for you.  
  
What would you do, if I told you? If I threw my arms around you and poured all this out to you? If I kissed you? What would you do, if I gave you my heart? Would you take it? Throw it away? I wish I knew. I could never divine the future, either.  
  
But, what does it matter anyways? These are just things I'll never say. 


	2. Default 2

A/N: I felt like a continuation. Therefore:  
  
  
  
We're home now, Sam. Home. In the Shire.  
  
It doesn't feel like home anymore.  
  
You'll be marrying Rosie soon. Rosie's good for you, you know. She'd do anything she could to make you happy. I wish I could say the same.  
  
I'm jealous. Jealous of Rosie, because she's the one that gets to hold you in her arms for the rest of your life. Jealous of you, because you've found love and you get to keep it. I found love, alright, but my love will never know.  
  
You'll never know. I can never tell you.  
  
I suppose I'll go back to Crickhollow for a while and try to live there. I don't know if I can do it, though. I don't know if I can be near you and not tell you. It would hurt your marriage, if I told you, and I'm not willing to do that. I'm not willing to ruin our friendship either. I know that sooner or later, I'll have to get away. Leave the Shire entirely. That's going to hurt something terrible, because once I leave, I'm never coming back. I think I'll go to Rivendell, and from there. . . who knows. I don't.  
  
I don't know much at all, when I think about it. Except, of course, that I love you more than I've loved anything in my life. Nothing else could compare to you.  
  
When we left the Fellowship at the Rapids, I said that we'd probably never see them again. You told me, "We may yet, Master Frodo. We may yet." That cheered me so much, and you were right: we did see them again. But when I leave the Shire, and say goodbye for the last time, you will never see me again. I will never see your face again, never go for a drink at the inn with you again, never be near you again. There will be no return.  
  
All because I never told you any of this so long ago, and I cannot now. 


	3. Default 3

A/N: Sorry that all these chapters are so short, but they just felt. . . more logical to me that way, I guess.  
  
  
  
I'm gone now. We said our goodbyes, long ago. Oh, so long ago! How many years has it been? I cannot remember.  
  
The ache in my heart has grown. Not the ache that is dealt to those who have borne a ring of power. It is the ache that is dealt to those who have lost the only person they could ever truly love.  
  
The journey to Rivendell has turned into a journey to the Blessed Realm. To Valinor, Sam! To Valinor! I remember how you wanted to see the Elves; you would be thrilled at the Elves here. I can see the smile on your face.  
  
Here, I am supposed to forget all that troubles me. I saw that happen to Elves I journeyed here with. The light in their eyes when they stepped onto the shores of Valinor, the way their worries seemed to melt away. Perhaps it works only with Elves, for I am still sorrowful. The pain of that long- ago quest has faded, but the pain of you is larger than ever. I miss you. I spend all my days, wishing you were here. Wishing I was there. Wishing I was lying in your arms, spent after a night of making love to you.  
  
I should have done something, long ago. I regret my hesitance now. Even if I had to carry around knowing that you didn't love me back, at least I would carry the assurance that you didn't. I can never be sure. Never know if, maybe, by some strange chance of fate, you loved me too. It eats away at me, this not knowing.  
  
You were my best friend, and the one I loved. And I am alive without you. What am I to do? The hurt won't go away, and I must live in its prison forever.  
  
Forever is a long sentence. 


End file.
